BEST JOKES (PART 20)_SMART SARDAR

SARDAR WITH BRAIN

A Sardar and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from
Los Angeles to New York . The American asks if he would
like to play a fun-game.

The Sardar, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he
politely declines and
rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The American persists and explains that the game is easy
and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know
the answer, you pay me $5, and vice versa."

Again, the Sardar declines and tries to get some sleep.

The American, now worked up, says, "Okay, if you don't
know the answer, you pay me $5,
and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500."

This gets the sardar's attention and, figuring there
will be no end to this torment,
agrees to the game.

The American asks the first question, "What's the
distance from the earth to the moon?"

The Sardar doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet,
pulls out a $5 bill and
hands it to the American.

"Okay," says the American, "Your turn."

So the Sardar asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs
and comes down with four legs?"

The American thinks about it. No answer.

Puzzled, he takes out his laptop computer and searches
all his references. No answer!

He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches
the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and
co-workers.

Checks the input. All to no avail!

Finally, a long time later, he wakes the Sardar and
hands him $500.

The Sardar thanks him and turns back to get his sleep.

The American, more than a little miffed, stirs the
Sardar and asks,

"Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Sardar reaches into his purse, hands
the American $5,

and goes back to sleep!

BEST JOKES (PART 18)_COMPUTER JOKES

Banta Singh and Santa Singh got tired with the mobile communication.

They decide to use the conventional method of communication.
That is to use pigeons to send messages. One day Santa sends his pigeon.
When the pigeon reached Banta, it was with out any message.

Angrily, Banta picks up his mobile and calls and asks Santa “what is this – a joke?
The pigeon is without any message.”
Guess what Santa said???
- – - -
- – - -
“Are Gadheyyyyyyyy !!!! , woh to sirf miss call tha !


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Once upon a time, there was a software engineer who used to develop programs on his Pentium machine, sitting under a tree on the banks of a river. He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in the Sunday market.
One day, while he was working, his machine tumbled off the table and fell in the river. Encouraged by the Panchatantra story of his Childhood (the woodcutter and the axe), he started praying to the River Goddess. The River Goddess wanted to test him and so appeared only after one month of rigorous prayers.
The engineer told her that he had lost his computer in the river. As usual, the Goddess wanted to test his honesty. She showed him a match box and asked, “Is this your computer?”
Disappointed by the Goddess’ lack of computer awareness, the engineer replied, “No.”
She next showed him a pocket-sized calculator and asked if that was his. Annoyed, the engineer said “No, not at all!!”
Finally, she came up with his own Pentium machine and asked if it was his.
The engineer, left with no option, sighed and said “Yes.”

The River Goddess was happy with his honesty. She was about to give him all three items, but before she could make the offer, the engineer
asked her, “Don’t you know that you’re supposed to show me some better computers before bringing up my own ?”
The River Goddess, angered at this, replied, “I know that, you stupid idiot! The first two things I showed you were the Trillennium and the
Billennium, the latest computers ! ! ! “
So saying she disappears….


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HARD-DISK woman:
She remembers everything, FOREVER. RAM woman:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.
INTERNET woman:
Difficult to access.
SERVER woman:
Always busy when you need her.
CD-ROM woman:
She is always faster and faster.
EMAIL woman:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

VIRUS woman:
Also called “wife”; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don’t you will lose everything!!




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 Here is a interview given by our Banta for the job in java office…

Interviewer: What is the difference between an Abstract class and Interface?
Banta: Terms are different … nothing more
Interviewer: What is JFC ?
Banta: Jilebi, Fanta & Coffee
Interviewer: Explain 2 tier and 3 -tier Architecture ?
Banta: Two wheelers like scooters will have 2 tyres and autorickshaws will
have 3 tyres.
Interviewer: I want to store more than 10 objects in a remote server? Which
methodology will follow?
Banta: Send it through courier.
Interviewer: Can I modify an object in CORBA?
Banta: As you wish , I do not have any objections.
Interviewer: How to communicate 2 threads each other ?
Banta: Sorry, Non living things can’t communicate.
Interviewer: Explain RMI Architecture?
Banta: I am a computer professional not an architect student.

Interviewer: What is the use of Servlets ?
Banta: In hotels, they can replace servers.

Interviewer: What is the difference between Process and Threads?
Banta: Threads are small ropes. Make a rope from threads is an example for
process.

Interviewer: What is JAR file ?
Banta: File that can be kept inside a jar.
Interviewer: What is JINI?
Banta: A ghost which was Aladdin’s friend.
Interviewer: How will you call an Applet from a _Java Script?
Banta: I will give invitation.

Interviewer: What is bean ? Where it can be used ?
Banta: A kind of vegetable. In kitchens for cooking they can be used.
Interviewer: Write down how will you create a binary Tree ?
Banta: When we sow a binary seed, a binary tree will grow.



http://www.jokesduniya.com/category/computer-jokes/page/3/

BEST JOKES (PART 17)_KIDS JOKES

Two boys were playing marble and suddenly rushed to the hospital.
Smaller boy told to the doctor, “I have swallowed a marble.”

Doctor: “I see, Is this your brother with you?” asked to the older boy.
The other boy replied “No, I own the marble.”

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TEACHER : What a pair of strange socks you’re wearing, one is green and the other is blue with red spots !!

PAPPU: Yes, it’s really strange. I’ve got another pair just like that at home.

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Teacher: Johnny, name two pronouns.

Johnny: Who, me?
Teacher: Very good!

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During an English lesson, the teacher notices that a boy was not paying attention to him.
Teacher:Pappu, join these two sentences together. I was cycling to school. I saw a dead body.

Pappu: (thinking for a while) I saw a dead body cycling to school.


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Ek chote bacche ne apani pregnant mummy se pucha : Isme kya hai?

Mummy : Issme pyara sa Baby hai.
Baccha : Itana pyara tha to khaya kyu ussko?




http://www.jokesduniya.com/category/children-and-kids-jokes/page/3/

BEST JOKES (PART 16)_KIDS JOKES

Doorbell bajao aur bhago

Ek chota baccha bahut der se ghar ke bahar khada darwaje ki ghanti bajane ki kosish kar raha tha.Toh ek budha aadmi aaya aur kaha:
Budha aadmi: Kya kar rahe ho beta?
Baccha: Uncle, yeh ghanti bajana chahta hoon.

Budha aadmi (ghanti bajake): Yeh lo bajgaya, ab kya hai?
Baccha: Ab bhago!

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Teacher : Pappu, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?

Pappu : No, teacher, it’s the same dog… we both wrote on!!!


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A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, “and why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”


Little Johnny replied, “Because we must not disturb people while sleeping.”

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A Poor Family Essay

A teacher once asks all students to write an essay on the topic “A Poor Family”. One student gets the lowest marks for writing that essay . The student happens to be the richest girl in the entire class and her essay goes on as…


She writes :
Ek baar ek bahut hee gareeb family thi, husband aur wife dono gareeb they, doo bachey they, woh bhi bahut gareeb they!!!
Ghar ke saare naukar bhi gareeb they, ghar ka maali, driver aur guard bhi bahut gareeb they, ghar ke 4 kuttey bhi gareeb they, 2 din sey chicken nahi khaaya tha, 3 mercedeez car thi,
unki bahut time se servicing nahi hui thi, ghar ka A.C bhi theek nahi chalta tha, ghar mein 1 saal sey paint nahi hua tha family ko holiday ke liye foreign country gaye bhi 6 mahiney ho gaye they, ghar ke 5 mein sey 2 TV to chaltey hee nahi they, all in all, bahut he gareeb family thi!!!!!


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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
“Take only ONE. God is watching.”

Moving further along the lunch line,at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note:
“Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

http://www.jokesduniya.com/category/children-and-kids-jokes/page/4/

BEST JOKES (PART 15)_MANAGEMENT FUNDA

Management Funda

1.”We will do it” means “You will do it”
2.”You have done a great job” means “More work to be given to you”
3.”We are working on it” means “We have not yet started working on the
same”
4.”Tomorrow first thing in the morning” means “Its not getting done
“At least not tomorrow!”
5.”After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views” means “I have already decided, I will tell you what to do”
6.”There was a slight miscommunication” means “We had actually lied”

7.”Lets call a meeting and discuss” means “I have no time now, will
talk later”
8.”We can always do it” means “We actually cannot do the same on time”
9.”We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline” means “The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time.”
10.”We had slight differences of opinion “means “We had actually fought”
11.”Make a list of the work that you do and let’s see how I can help you” means “Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me”
12.”You should have told me earlier” means “Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!”

13.”We need to find out the real reason” means “Well I will tell you where your fault is”
14.”Well Family is important; your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected,” means, “Well you know…”
15.”We are a team,” means, “I am not the only one to be blamed”
16.”That’s actually a good question” means “I do not know anything about it”
17.”All the Best” means “You are in trouble”


http://www.jokesduniya.com/category/business-and-office-jokes/page/2/

BEST JOKES (PART 13)_OFFICE MEMO

Office Memo

Dear Staff,
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

Lunch Breaks:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average size. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Restroom Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet pater roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offender” category.

Surgery:
As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed will constitute a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.


http://www.jokesduniya.com/2087/office-memo/#more-2087 

BEST JOKES (PART 12) BEST SIGN BOARD MEANING

Sign on a railway station at Patna:
Aana free, jaana free,
Pakde gaye to khana free.

Seen on a famous beauty parlor in Bombay:
Don’t whistle at the girl going out from here.
She may be your grandmother!

Seen on a bulletin board:
Success is relative
More the success, more the relatives.

Sign at a barber’s saloon in Juhu, Bombay:
We need your heads to run our business.

A traffic slogan:
Don’t let your kids drive if they are not old enough
or else they never will be.

THE BEST ONE:
Its God’s responsibility to forgive the terrorist organizations
It’s our responsibility to arrange the meeting between them and god.
- Indian Armed Forces

http://www.jokesduniya.com/49/meaning-of-signs/#more-49 

BEST JOKES (PART 11)

Air travel of Sardarji

One Sardar was going to Chandigarh from pune by a air-india plane.He was alloted the middle seat of one of the 3-seats array.

But as soon as the Sardarji got into the plane, he sat on the window side seat which was actually for an old lady.

After some time the old lady came and requested the Sardarji to leave the side seat.

But the Sardaji told, “I want to see the view from the window and shall not leave”.

The old lady then complained to the air hostess .The air hostess requested the Sardarji to leave that seat but Sardarji did not leave.

Then the air hostess went and told the asst. captain. He also came and requested, but in vain.

Finally the Captain came. He whispered something in the ears of the Sardarji and the Sardarji immedietly left the side seat and returned to the middle seat.

Astonished, the airhostess and the asst. captain asked the captain afterwards what he told to the Sardarji?

Captain told, “nothing… Ijust told him that only the middle seats will go to Chandigarh and all others will go to Jalandhar.”

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Telephone Directory

Sardar returns book to library, bangs it on table & says – What a shit ?
Sardar : “I read the whole book, too many character, no story at all” ?


Librarian : So, you are the one who took the Telephone Directory…

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A sardar wanted to sell his old battered Maruti car which had done more than 100,000 kms.
Since no body was inclined to buy it, he approached his friend to help him dispose it off.
The friend advised him to have the mileage meter reading reduced to around 30,000 miles so that he could tell the prospective customer that it has been used sparingly. The sardar liked the idea.


A few weeks later the same friend met him and enquired whether he was able to dispose off his car. The sardar replied, “Are you mad? Who sells a car which has done only 30,000 miles.

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Santa reported for his university final examination, which consists of “Yes/No” type questions. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing it, marking the answer sheet yes for heads and no for tails.


Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately flipping the coin, muttering and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches his and asks what is going on?
Santa replies, “I’m rechecking my answers and I don’t think I did very good.”

 *********************************************************************************

Santa : I am a proud man, my son is in medical college.


Banta : Really, what is he studying.
Santa : No, he is not studying. They are studying him.

BEST JOKES (PART 10)

A donkey kicked a Sardar & ran away
Sardar ran to catch the donkey.
He saw a zebra & started beating it & said 'SALA Tracksuit pahan ke dhoka
De raha hai'.

 

SWOT BOOK filled by Santa.
1.Strength:My wife,Jeeto.
2.Weakness:Banta's wife, Preeto.
3.Oppurtunity: When Banta is on tour.
4.Threat: When I am on tour

 

 

 

Sardar: Darling, years ago u had a figure like Coke bottle.
Jeeto: Yes darling I still do, only differnece is earlier it was 300ml
Now it's 2 ltr.

 

 

 

Santa went to Mysore palace.
Tourist guide - Santaji plz dont sit there, its Tipu sultan's chair
Santa - Oye dont worry yaar I'll get up when he comes.!!..

 

Sardar wanted to make a STD call to Punjab,
He wanted to save money so what did he do?
Simple, he went to Punjab and made a local call.

 

 

 

One tourist from U.S.A.asked to Sardar: Any great man born in this village?
Sardar: No sir, only small babies!!!

 

A lady calls Santa for repairing door bell.
Santa doesn't turns up for four days.
Lady calls again.
Santa replies: I'm coming daily since 4 days, I press the bell but no one
Comes out

 

 

 

2 sardars were fighting after exam.
Sir: Y r u fighting?
1st Sardar: This fool left the answer sheet blank,
Sir: So what?
1st Sardar: Even I did the same thing, now teacher will think that we both
Copied.

 

Sardar 1: I'm very kanjoos, I went 2 honeymoon alone & saved 1/2 money.
Sardar 2: You R nothing I saved all my money, my friend was going & I sent
My wife with him.

 

A scene from Kohn Benega Crorepati....
Amitabh : In which state the river Kaveri flows?
Sardar : Liquid state.....
Audience clapped.. Amitabh stunned, looks behind,  ALL WERE SARDARS.......

BEST JOKES (PART 9)

Santa enters a store that sells curtains.
He tells the salesman, “I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.”
He showed him several patterns, but Santa seemed to be having a hard time choosing.

Finally, he selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman asked what size curtains he needed.
Santa replies, “Fifteen inches.”
“Fifteen inches?” asked the salesman. “That sounds very small, what room are they for?”

Santa tells him that they aren’t for a room, they are for his computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, “But, sir, computers do not have curtains!”
Santa says, “Hellllooooooooo……..I’ve got Windows!”

****************************************************************************

Jasmeet caught her husband Santa Singh searching high and low all around his living room.
Jasmeet : “What are you searching for?”

Santa : “Hidden camera!”
Jasmeet : “And what makes you think that there are hidden camera here?”
Santa : “That guy on tv knows exactly what I am doing. Why every few minutes he keeps saying, You are watching the Star World channel. How does he know that?”

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Sardar was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway.
On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile.

Then the foreman asked the Sardar why he kept painting less each day?
He replied, “I just can’t do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can.”

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Sardar talking on cell.
2nd Sardar : Kis se baat kar raho ho.
1st Sardar : Biwi se…

2nd Sardar : Itne… Pyaar se?
1st Sardar : Tumhari hai…

BEST JOKES (PART 8)

Sardarji proposes to a woman.
She says “yes if you bring me a pair of crocodile ! boots.”

He sets off to Africa and disappears.
Finally a search is being made, they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one.
He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims
’71st and *again* barefeet!’

****************************************************************************

Two Sardarjis were in conversation on the beach :
Sardarji 1: Praaji , Isse ‘beach’ kyo kaheete hai?
Sardarji 2: Tumhe nahi pata?

Sardarji 1: Nahi pata.
Sardarji 2: Woh to aasmaan aur zameen ke beech mein hai issliye issai beach kahete hai.

****************************************************************************

One sardar says: Koi acha sa kapda (cloth) dikhaiye.
Sales man: Plain main dikhaon?

Sardar: Abey hawai jahaz main nahi dukan par hi dikha!

****************************************************************************

Nepolian ek Sardarji ko bade garv se kehata hai : Mere dictionary mein impossible word hi nahi hai.

Sardarji bolata hai : To pahele hi acchi tarah se dekh lene ka na sab word hai ke nahi, aage se word rahenge wohi dictionary le.

http://www.jokesduniya.com/category/sardar-jokes/

BEST JOKES (PART 7)

SANTA received an invitation, to a party
which said “Black Tie Only”!!

When he went to the party he was surprised to
find the other invitees wearing trousers and shirts As well!!!!

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Santa Singh tried to light his cigarette. He struck the first match on the match box, but it didn’t light.

He tried another, It didn’t light too. The third one finally lit his cigarette, carefully blew the match out and put it in his vest pocket.

“What for did you put that match in your vest pocket?” asked the another man.

Santa replied, “That’s a lucky match stick. I’ll use it again.”

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Once Santa Singh and Banta Singh were going in a jungle, Suddenly they saw one tiger coming towards them.

To save themselves they climbed a tree and both sat on one branch. The tiger came under the tree and sat down.

Santa told Banta, ” Yaar just to pass Time Why don’t you sing some song”

Banta Singh started to sing. After singing four songs Banta hanged upside down on the branch and then again sung four songs.

After singing all the songs, Banta came back to his original position.

Santa asked curiosly, “Yaar Bantya, You sung four songs sitting in upright position and next four songs you sat upside down, Why did you do that?”

Banta told, ” Yaar First four songs were from side A and the other four were from Side B”

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Sardar talking on cell.
2nd Sardar : Kis se baat kar raho ho.
1st Sardar : Biwi se…

2nd Sardar : Itne… Pyaar se?
1st Sardar : Tumhari hai…

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Once three sardars decided to go on a picnic.

When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda.

So, the youngest sardar said he would go home and get the soda if the others promised not to eat the sandwiches until he got back.

An hour, a couple of hours, then all day went by.

Both sardars were now very hungry.

Finally one of the sardars said: “Oh, come on, he is not going to be back. Let’s eat the sandwiches.”

Suddenly, the youngest sardar popped up from behind a rock and said: “If you do, I wont go.”http://www.jokesduniya.com/category/sardar-jokes/page/5/

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BEST JOKES (PART 6)

Customer:Mujhe phone per dhamkiya mill rahi hai.

Police: Kaun hai woh jo aapko dhamkiya de raha hai?

Customer: Telephone wale bolte hai ke, “Bill nahi bharoge toh kaat denge.”

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Teacher : ‘A’ for?
Student : Apple !!!

Teacher : Jor se bolo…
Student : JAI MATA DI

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On a romantic date sardar’s girl friend asks him:

“Darling ! On our engagement will you give me a ring?”

He said: “Sure ! What’s your phone number?”

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Sardarji photographer focusing a dead body’s face in a funeral function, suddenly all relatives beat him.

Why?

He said: “Smile Please !”

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Banta Singh was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area.

The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defence.

“They should not put up such misleading notices,” said Banta Singh.

It said, “Fine For Parking Here.”

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BEST JOKES (PART 5)

Santa to Shopkeeper: – Mujhe India ka flag dikhao.

Shopkeeper ne flag dikhaya,
Santa: – Isme aur colour dikhao

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One Sardar was going to Chandigarh from pune by a air-india plane.He was alloted the middle seat of one of the 3-seats array.

But as soon as the Sardarji got into the plane, he sat on the window side seat which was actually for an old lady.

After some time the old lady came and requested the Sardarji to leave the side seat.

But the Sardaji told, “I want to see the view from the window and shall not leave”.

The old lady then complained to the air hostess .The air hostess requested the Sardarji to leave that seat but Sardarji did not leave.

Then the air hostess went and told the asst. captain. He also came and requested, but in vain.

Finally the Captain came. He whispered something in the ears of the Sardarji and the Sardarji immedietly left the side seat and returned to the middle seat.

Astonished, the airhostess and the asst. captain asked the captain afterwards what he told to the Sardarji?

Captain told, “nothing… Ijust told him that only the middle seats will go to Chandigarh and all others will go to Jalandhar.”

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A donkeykicked sardar & ran away, sardar ran to catch the donkey.

He saw a zebra and started beating it and said, ‘Sala tracksuit pahan ke dhoka de raha hai’.

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A bus fell into lake, everyone swimmed across to save their lives.

Suddenly Sardar jumps in searches for someone, when asked whom he seaching for.

Sardar said, “Sala conductor ne change nahi diya tha.”

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Ek tha Raja…

Ek thi Rani…

Donon mar gaye khatam kahani.

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Neechay kya lash dhoond rahay ho??? Bola na kahani khatam.